How To Take The Initiative In A Relationship?

You are not passive, you always have the initiative.

I have a friend, Jane, who has been trying to hire a nanny after having a baby to help her mom with the kids but never got around to it. Why? It’s not because she doesn’t have money or people, but because her mother is against it. Jane complained to me about this and said, “I really don’t understand my mother, she complains every day that she is tired of taking care of the baby, and it’s easier for her to hire a nanny, and we don’t need that money.

After I heard that, I asked, “Then why do you listen to her?“

Whenever Jane told her mother about the nanny, she waited for her response after she finished. Mom said “no please no we don’t need a babysitter”, and when her friend realized she couldn’t talk her out of it, the babysitter was not hired. Jane felt that she was very passive in this matter; in fact, this passive situation was of her own making.

This is the concept we are going to talk about today, called “empowerment. To delegate is to give authority to others. In our life, we often say, “Who is he to do this? This “on what basis” is power.

Power is an interactive process. I say you listen. That’s the power I have over you.

We all have the experience of empowerment, we eat together, you like to eat this, I like to eat that, talk about it, do not know which dish to order, then what to do, we will designate a person to order, listen to you, what you say is what. This is convenient for everyone. So empowerment is the process of actively handing overpower. I allow you to make decisions for me.

There are three forms of delegation.

The first form is this ritualized process.

People vote, they elect you, they give you a hat, they give you a credential, they give you a contract. It means that in the future, you will listen to what you say.

The second form is a little more covert.

There is no explicit ceremony, but in action with you.

This is the case with Jane. In fact, it was Jane’s decision to hire a nanny or not, and her mother’s opinion was just a reference. She could have just informed her mom that she wanted to hire a nanny, turned around, and left, or she could have asked what you thought, but she was going to hire whatever her mom thought. But now she stops there and just waits for her mom to object to her. And after she objects, she has to argue with her mother, and if she doesn’t win the argument, she won’t do it. So you see, although she didn’t give her mom a vote, she gave her mom a lot of power in her actions.

This is important because this empowerment is very hidden and we don’t usually see it. What do we see? This mom is authoritarian and controlling. Of course, this may be true. But then we don’t see that the mother is authoritarian, but how does the daughter cooperate with her so that she can be so authoritarian all the time?

You know, relationships, there must be forces that work and forces that work against them. You control me, then it must mean that I let you control, you restrict me, then I am going to accept your restrictions, you bully me, I am putting up with your bullying. Earlier it said that the husband came home and threw his clothes away casually, and the wife was helping her to put them away.

The third form is empowering in the heart.

Let’s say this person says something and I get angry. I might just think that this person made me angry. But I don’t even realize that I actually have a choice. If another person said that, I wouldn’t be angry. So it was me who for some reason empowered that person to ‘make me angry’ at that moment. This empowerment happens in the mind, which is generally invisible and untouchable. So it is the most difficult to capture.

You may hear this and think, “Eh, that makes sense,” but it’s not because I’m making sense, it’s because you’re empowering me, you’re willing to believe that. You may also think, “Eh, what nonsense, I still believe what others say,” and that’s you empowering others.

You could say that every time you are influenced by someone else in your life, whether it is behaviorally or psychologically, you are empowering someone else. The difference is simply whether it is obvious or hidden.

You may be wondering, what is the benefit to me of knowing these empowering behaviors? The biggest benefit is that it will increase your flexibility. It turns out that you thought the power was one-sided, that he influenced me and I couldn’t resist. If I realize that the power is given to me, then I can take it back. This is one way to ‘turn passivity into initiative’ in a relationship. For example, Jane, if she really wanted to hire a babysitter, she could tell her mother.

“I’m going to hire a babysitter tomorrow, bye.”

This is the theory of empowerment in relationships. Remember, you are not passive, you always have the initiative, you just don’t know when to give it up.

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